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Writer's Block: Daily Grind

Describe your morning routine.
I don't really have a morning routine.  I usually wake up around 5am the first time and panic because I think it's later than it is.  Then again at 5:30.  Finally at 6 I roll out of bed.  Get dressed, brush/pull back hair, and brush teeth/rinse with mouth wash.  Then it's out the door to hay the barns and see the show string to check for lameness/injuries that could've occured over night or from previous work outs. 

Writer's Block: AKA

What's the story behind your username?
I created it when I was needing somewhere to sound off my thoughts without getting my ass chewed out for what I say.  Very few people (outside of a few friends and other LJ users) even know my blog exsists.

Life Lately............................

Okay so I did finally get out of the hospital, obviously.  I can't remember if I ever posted what we ended up doing, but they ended up taking my gallbladder, which is HORRIBLE, just incase you were wondering.

For almost a month (I think more like 3 weeks) following the surgery I still continued with the abdominal pain.  I had several allergic reactions to the pain pills and I was just miserible forever!  I think there was a point that Dave didn't think I was gonna make it.  LOL.

Then after that then it was like the fight was on here at the ranch.  3 times I looked for new employment all the while hoping that shit would settle down.  I dunno what it is about this time of year, but it always seems like we all fight like cats and dogs.  And then someone accused me of not pulling my weight around here, which is absolutely absurbed because if you know me you know that I work anywhere from 14 to 16 hours a day and then I will even work all day over night and then all the following day when shit is WAY behind. 

You do what you gotta do to get all the shit done is how I see it.  I managed a huge 80 stall hunter/jumper facilitity for over a year working 18 and 24 hours a day.  Then one day one of the owners told me that I was doing a shitty job (which was untrue I increased revenue 50% and the horses were riding 100% better than before I was there) I just lost it.  That's one thing you don't do to me.  I'm pretty much a work-a-holic.

So yeah - when I was accused of not pulling my own weight it was pretty for several days. 

However is the good thing about my boss (which is the type of boss I am since I'm this way) I would just go scream and scream at him about shit and he didn't say a thing.  I think he knew I was blowing steam. 

However in hind sight I believe all the fighting was more me trying to get my frustration/aggression about some family issues that are going on.  And I did tell him that the other day when things had REALLY calmed down.  For about the past week to a week and a half things have been pretty calm and quiet.  Which I'm happy about.  Or atleast pertaining to the ranch things have been calm. 

My flipping family have LOST their ever loving minds.  Back at the beginning of February my mom called me and said "I'm sick, but I'm gonna be alright - don't worry about it".  Which I asked for specifics she wouldn't give them to me.  She would continue to say she would be alright and that was it.  Well this pisses me off and frustrates because even though sometimes my family and I don't get along they're still blood and in the end, the way I see it is, blood is thicker than water.

And she doesn't want me talking about it because of personal reasons so I'm just stuck.  I usually talk to Dave about everything, but this time I just kinda shut down for whatever reason.  For whatever reason I'm going through a "I miss Tim" phase....  I don't understand it.  Usually that's reserved for mid to late August into September...............

But okay - I'm dealing with all that shit and then I "figure" out I'm gonna be in my late 20's when my birthday hits (I consider 0's, 1's, 2's, and 3's early - 4's 5's 6's mid - and 7's 8's 9's to be late).  SOOOO I'm gonna be 27 on March 16.  And I was thinking about the fact that I don't have a lot to show for my 27 years on this planet except a broken body and mind that's gonna explode.  SOOOO that frustrates me too.

I guess right now my major problem is I'm dealing with too much crap and I guess I'm not dealing with it as much as I'm just "avoiding" it.  Go figure.

So there's the goings on in my life at the moment.  Yeah not much and it's pretty darn not exciting and exciting all at the same time. 

Well I guess I better get off here.  I've gotta get some work done (Yeah - I know it's Saturday it's suppose to be my day off, but it's breeding season SOOO there are no days off).  Talk to ya'll soon.



WooHoo....I'm in the hospital - NOT!!!

Okay I have been here for OVER 24 hours and now I'm heading into surgery tomorrow morning to take out my gallbladder.  No - seriously!

That's been my pain all along.  My wonderful gallbladder is fucking up.  I forgot to ask the surgen if I could keep it.  It's been causing me LOTS of pain I wanna keep the little fucker.  It's like getting back on a horse when you've been bucked off.

They say I'll be "back to normal" in a week.....  Whatever that means!!  I just wanna get back to the ranch and see all the horses and pet all the horses.

I never dreamed in a million years when I left yesterday morning to go to the dr for what I just assumed was more blood drawn and stronger pain pills that I would be in the hospital.  I didn't even give Dave one last hug this morning before he went in the house.  ARGH!

And now we've been apart for over 24 hours?!?!?!  This is TORTURE!  And I tell him that everytime I talk to him.

I do look forward to not being in pain anymore though.

I'm just nervous about the surgery.  I mean the last time I was cut into I almost bled to death since I was so anemic.  But I've been reassured about a dozen times that is NOT going to happen this time.  My CBC is good. 

I did ask Dave tonight if I would see him tomorrow - he just said "maybe".  FUCKING STINKER!!!

I did work my ass off for 3 days prior to this though.  It's all I knew to do since I was in SOOOO much damn pain.  I don't think anyone knows how much pain I was really in.  I mean I was doing the late night barn chores then I was waking up WAY early and morning and started feeding and then I pretty much just kept busy all day without stopping.  I don't think I was ever NOT doing anything.  Only in those rare times where I could barely stand much less move. 

So hopefully it comes to an end tomorrow morning..................



My love card is the Hanged Man

My Touchstone Card is Death

My Career Card is Temperance

Here is what it says:

As far as your personal life is concerned, you've got a rough day in store, dear Nadia. Thanks to the union of Death and the Hanged Man, you've no other choice but to come to terms with an unwanted separation from a person, situation or place. This leaves you feeling rather sad, even desolate, but it's sometimes necessary to make a clean break in order to build yourself up again on new ground. Sometimes, knowing when to leave is like knowing when to love... In your work environment, your projects and your professional career seem to be stalling at the moment. You're basically waiting for a green light or for a change in the organization, as in the absence of this your hands are tied and you cannot do anything, or commit to even the smallest expense. Having to wait like this is costing you your last nerve and yet there is nothing you can do. The alliance of Temperance and Death shows that you with a little good will you will be able to be patient and to adapt to the new order of things.

That makes things SOOO much clearer on soooooo many levels. 



I'm thinking that the shit between Brian and I is never going to get better what so ever. 

We apparently can't manage to get along sooooo now I'm going to have to figure out how to get along without him there.

For Peyton's sake I'm not going to tell him to bite me and to fuck off, but I'm going to have to tell him to run along.

He keeps saying "I don't care" when I ask him if he wants me in his life and then turns around and says he cares about me.  Yeah - doesn't make a lick of sense to me - does it to you???

Dave and I have had a couple conversations about what I'm going to do.  But I really don't know.  I guess my first thing is I'm gonna just have to tell him to loose my number and shit unless it pertains to Peyton. 

Brian said that I said stuff last night that "couldn't be reversed", but the ONLY things I said last night were true.  He says he's not mentally or verbally abusive, but what do you call it when you keep running someone into the ground and making them feel like ubber shit???  He says he's just "speaking the truth", but it's not.  It's making me feel like shit and it's far from the truth.

His  biggest complaint is "I don't spend enough time with Peyton".  Well I keep telling him - you can't just come in and interfear with what I'm doing and expect me to continue allowing you to butt in.

Since the day Peyton was born everyone has treated me like I'm not capible of watching him and dealing with him myself.  They all treat me like I'm some kind of idiot or something.  Well I'm done with that shit.  Last night he said I don't watch him when he's outside.  No - I don't hoover when he's outside.  He's not within an arm length reach, but I do know where he is at all times.  Unless he excapes for a moment and then I do go find him. 

Brian tends to hoover.  That drives me nuts!!!!  I mean kids need to be kids.  He's gonna get hurt some day.  He's a 2 year old boy (tomorrow!) for heavens sakes.  Has he been seriously injuried in my care??  No. 

Kind of like when he touched the oven at Brian's parents house on Christmas.  THEY HAVE TO LEARN THAT THEY'RE GONNA GET HURT!!!  You can't protect them from themselves all the time.  If he starts learning to rely on that then IMHO he's gonna grow up to be me.

My father was always trying to save me from myself but I didn't learn nothing from it.  The ONLY thing I learned is "Daddy will rescue me when I need it".  Well my father died 3 years ago and he's not here to save me now.  So now I'm having to learn how to swim in rather hard currents right now.

So I'd rather just let him do "self discovery" so to speak.  I don't want him to get hurt, don't get me wrong, but I want him to learn what he can and can not do safely.

Well Brian's parent figures continue to jump in and save him still.  Sooo I guess if you were raised like that then you're gonna raise your children like that.

Anyway - back to what I'm going to have to do.  I'm gonna have to learn to make it on my own I guess.  Meaning - budgeting my money *gasp*.  It's not gonna be easy either.  I love to spend.  LOL.

But if I want to break away from the asshole himself then it's gonna have to be done.  And I'm gonna have to stop trying to hang out with him all the time.  It's time to make friends myself.  And get a car we don't have to share I guess.  He's the one who's drawn this line in the sand and by god I'm gonna stick to it.  If it's what makes him happy then so be it!

Anyway I'm gonna run - I'm getting a headache for whatever reason.  Maybe it's the bullshit going on??!!??!!  Who knows!


Writer's Block: Resolved

A lot of resolutions, from the mundane to the truly ambitious, are being made today. What are your New Year's resolutions? Do you think you're likely to stick to them past the month of January?
My resolution for the year is JUST survive.  I have no fantastic goals or wants.  I just want to survive the year.  I'm sooo sick of the fighting/arguing/bickering that keeps going on around me. 

Writer's Block: Starting Out Fresh

Many people believe that what you do on New Year's Day sets the tone for your entire year. How did you spend the first day of 2009? Do you think it will influence the rest of the year?
I hope not!!!  Yesterday was a bad day.  I worked all day - Brian and I fought - it wasn't pretty.  If that's how this whole year is gonna be then COUNT ME OUT!!! 

Here I was hoping 2009 would be a better year too........

I hate this year ALREADY!

Okay so I went to the dr. yesterday about my belly pain.

Keeping in mind earlier in 2008 we had done a CT scan/Hydascan to make sure it wasn't my appendix or liver.  Well one day the pain went away and didn't ever come back so we both were like "okay - weird, but cool".

On Dec 23rd the pain returned AGAIN.  Only this time it was way more servere than the time before.  Well now they're thinking Gallblader?? 

ARGH - I'm dying and we're having to play this game again of "what can it be".

It's frustrating.  I'm not saying this is Dr. Mills fault at all, because it's not - we can only treat what is there, but I'm just frustrated because it seems like there is ALWAYS something going on with me.  Why can't I have a "normal" 26 year old life??  You know one with no pain, no problems?  This shit ages you fast!

I hope Peyton doesn't have half the health problems that I do!  He does have his first ear infection though.  Sad really.  I started having ear infections at his age and by the time I was 3 were putting in my first set of tubes.  I don't wish that on him for the world. 

The pain is SOOOO severe.  I can barely stand it.  I'm ready to die.  Let me tell ya!  I'm just ready to end it all.

Writer's Block: A Bargain at Any Price

No matter what their budget is, everyone loves a bargain. What item or object do you love the most that cost you the least?
MOST of my American Eagle/Hollister clothes!!!  I LOVE SHOPPING SALE/CLEARENCE racks!!!!  It just means I get MORE for the same amount of money that I was planning on spending anyway.  LOLOL. 

Gotta love a bargain!!!!