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Has it REALLY been 14 years??!!??!!

I can't believe that I've made it 14 years today!!  That's a HUGE accomplishment considering about half this time I'd rather be dead than alive.

I still miss him like crazy tho.  I think of him daily if not multiple times a day.  It's sooo weird how a loss like that impact's ones life forever. 

But I will say this - I think I *might* be ready to dig a hole and put his box of stuff in it.  It only seems fitting to burry it.  Kinda like burring the past or something.  Maybe if I burry it then I'll be able to "start over" again??  My worst fear is that I'm gonna forget him.

Everyone keeps telling me I'll never forget him.  I'll never forget the things we've done together and what I experienced with him.  But that stuff is HOW I remember sometimes.  I think my worst fear is once it's gone it's gone.  Kinda like him.  And I never thought I would've been without him.

If he were still here I can't even imagine what like would be like for me.  Like would I have ever gotten involved with the horses like I have?  Would I have ever met Brian, Dave or even had Peyton??  Or would we have just grown apart and went our seperate ways like the rest of our crew has done??  In the end would I have been without him anyway??

I know those are questions that will never be answered, but I still think of it.  I often wonder if he's around sometimes.  I do feel him from time to time.  And sometimes I can smell his cologne - I swear I can!!! 

I have made it through this day tho - that counts for something to me.  And I didn't ever have one of those crying fits I tend to have on this day.  In fact I haven't been to the grave in almost a year!!  Can you believe that?!?!!  That's CRAZY to me.  There were months that I couldn't keep away from that place. 

I'm in the middle of cleaning up my room and packing up my stuff as it seems Jess is going to move into it and I'm gonna make her bedroom my closet (like it was before she came) and I'm gonna go sleep in the other house with Dave and Connie.   But anyway - I found a razor blade tonight.  One that I have used countless times to cut myself and can you believe that I threw the sucker away??!!  I didn't even thing twice.  After I left the house to go do chores it dawned on me what I had done.  That's a HUGE step for someone who is/was a cutter!   

Life is changing sooooo much those.  It's unreal sometimes how much my life change yet it stays the same too. 

Mary's moved to Oklahoma!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  That's thrilling for me to have my BESTEST of the BESTEST here with me.  LOL.  I haven't seen her yet tho.  Although she says she'll be coming out here tomorrow afternoon - I'm so excited and thrilled.  I can't wait to see her and her preggers belly! 

Oklahoma is unseasonably cool right now.  It's the end of August and we've already had to start discussing sheets and have closed up all the barns twice already!  I hate sheet/blanket season.  I think it SUCKS.  I hate the hot weather too tho.  So really the fall time where it's like 70's in the day and 60's at night is perfect for me.  I hate being cold too.  LOLOL. 

This summer hasn't been as easy on me as the past ones have.  My heart is starting to threaten to give up the goat.  It just seems like we can't get anywhere with it. 

We've been switching my migraine meds up too.  And that's not easy on me AT ALL!! I hate those periods where my migraines are trying to come back between meds. 

I've always said that I won't live to see my 50th bday.  I just seems to be falling apart at the seams and I'm only 27.  UGH!!  I'm about 6 months away from my 28th bday tho. 

I'm soooo doom and gloom right now.  LOLOL.  I just wish I could be my former, happy go lucky self.  I was the person who could see a ray of sunshine in any situation.  What the hell has happened to me?  Oh yeah - death death and more death. 

Okay well I guess I'm done with this.  I think I've downed everyone long enough.  HUGS! 

Nadia

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