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Damn LJ been a loooooong time!!!!

So it's only been, what 2 years and 9 months since my last update???  LMAO.  Yeah, I really should catch up on the details, but I don't have time for that.  I have so much weighing on my mind and heart at the moment.  We'll catch up later.

Life is good and bad all at the same time.  I'm dedicated to a wonderful driver now.  I love him to pieces and he's helping me learn to relax and trust others.  HAHAHA!  Too bad, after we part ways, I won't be able to trust another driver.  Which breaks my heart.

Brian is NOT returning phone calls these days.  I'm getting a little sick of trying to talk to my son and I can't reach him.  BLEH!  I'm gonna have to send someone after him I suppose.  Who knows if he's breathing even.  I hope he is or someone forgot to inform me of my son's daddy's passing and in turn my custody of my son.

I'm feeling super lonely lately.  Which is normal about this time of year.  I keep thinking back to the Tim years.  LMAO.  We were suppose to be getting married soon.  Since I'm 30 and STILL single and I'm sure he would be too if he were alive.  I really try to not think of him much.  It's too sad.

I try to not live in the past or think of it much, but it's amazing how much that translate to who you are now. 

I keep praying to God.  I need strength, I need peace of mind, I need to know that everything I'm doing right now is what I'm suppose to be doing.  I mean, I've told him before to change my life's path if it's not the one he wants me on.  He hasn't changed it yet, right???

I'm throughly annoyed Mikey hasn't bothered to call me lately.  I've given up calling him.  I'm assuming we're done talking, which is a BUMMER!  He was a guy with a wealth of knowledge and could make me laugh.  Heh, see what happens when you let people in?  It just screws with your head!  And heart!

I'm just lonely.....have I mentioned that yet???  lmao.

I'm not sure what I'm gonna do about all this.  Brian is remarried and happy.  I can't manage to date.  I'm really just fucked up I'm starting to think.  Did my Mr. Right kill himself long ago???  Oh I hope not.

I just noticed LJ and FB can link now.  BAWHAHA.  Just what I needed - LJ and FB becoming friends.  Yeah, that would help my life out alot.

I hate these sleepless nights.  I'm not sure if I'm just not sleeping because we've spent so much time shut down on this trip.  Or if I'm not sleeping because I have so much going on in my head???  It could be those 3 and 4 hour naps in the afternoon now!  Bleh.  I gotta quit doing that crap.  I'm gonna be worthless when I actually gotta work all afternoon.  I'm gonna have to start getting my schedule back on track starting tomorrow.  LOL.

I'm thinking when I get back to Tulsa I'm gonna get me a custom front licence plate for my truck.  It's gonna have "Heavy Haul Princess" on it.  LMAO.  Or it might just be HH Princess.  Leave people guessing at the yard ;-)  LMAO. 

Okay it's 2am.  Maybe I need to grab a Mt. Dew, go down for one last cigarette then come back up and put my ass in bed.  I've gotta get some kind of sleep tonight, right???  Or I can stay up all nght, play on the computer, be a bitch all day because I won't allow myself to go back to sleep and try again tomorrow night.  I should really spend my day doing laundry, cleaning out the truck, and hopefully be preparing to get this load to Carrollton once and for all!!!!  Or so I pray!

Good night LJer's.  I will try to not be a stranger anymore.  We'll see how that goes!




OMG My knee!!!!!

Okay my knee is killing me.  It's been a little over a week since this all happened and every day it hurts worse and I just get more depressed.

I'm going in for an MRI on Friday and then I see an Ortho on Monday I think.  At any rate who knows if I'm gonna make it. 

I guess the worst part is Dave.  He's just treating me like this is completely my fault and I did this all on my own.  He pretty much spends his days and nights ignoring.  He hasn't bothered to ask me how I'm doing in days and I already feel completely like shit. 

Our new rider, Christian, will be here in a couple of days and I've been excited up until this point.  Now I'm just feeling completely and utterly useless. 

Maybe I really should just pack my stuff and leave until I've either healed or found something else to do with my time??  Maybe this is a sign from god or something?? 

Mary had her baby tho.  That's a happy thing.  Can't wait to see Kenli. 

Brian apparently doesn't trust me to keep Peyton for extended periods of time because tonight he texted me to see if I could check on "our" cat, Sweety, while he was away in New Orleans.  Then informed me Peyton would be staying with Grandma and Grandpa.  I'm getting a little annoyed with that shit. 

He hasn't bothered to ask me if I would like him to bring Peyton over.  He knows I can't get up those stairs very well, but he can't be bothered to bring him to me so I can see him.  It really pisses me off!!!! 

Then he bitches that I don't spend time with him and that I'm not bonding with him.  It's like wtf can I do???? 

I totally think that if Brian and his parents had it their way they'd totally tell me to fuck off and keep me away from Peyton.  TOTALLY!!! 

So between my knee and this whole thing with Brian I'm just about done. 

And now I have to finish packing my shit over at my house so Christian has a place to stay.  And really I just feel like everyone is wanting me out and gone and I'm just about to give them their wishes. 

Honestly I do wonder if Dave wants me around anymore.  I mean, of course, you're gonna say "yeah I still want you here" if someone asks you wouldn't tell them the truth. 

And I'm sure he's worried I'm gonna sue them if he wants me gone, I mean most any sane person would, but he should know I ain't gonna.  I don't wanna make his life any harder than it already is.  I just don't want to be hanging around if he doesn't want me around.

I guess what really just pisses me off and drives me nuts in this whole situation is I'm the one whose gonna be ultimately loose in the whole situation if things were to end.  I'm owed quite a bit of money that I know I'll never see.  And then there's the issue over my knee and it's future.  And then he knows I can't take my horses sooooo he'll end up getting to own them again and getting make double $$ because I can't afford to move them nor can I afford to pay him so I'd just have to sign them over. 

I'm just feeling totally stuck and upset at the moment.  I don't know what to do.  I don't know where to turn.  I don't even have a clue where to go if I were to leave. 

That just breaks my heart really.  I feel completely and utterly alone really.  Everyone else are having these wonderful lives and what am I having?  A head ache and knee pain.  BLAH! BLAH! BLAH!

WELL there is so much going on right now!

First of all - we're dealing with my dad's estate in Poland.  That is SOOOO much fun!!!  NOT!!!  I'm just really sad/upset about the whole situation.  I miss him and want him here is what it all boils down to!

Secondly I've been sick on and off.  And I've gotten my first injury for 2010.  It's pretty major tho.  And I'm possibley facing surgery now.  UGH!!!

My gland is swollen under my ear lobe.  We can't get it to go down so they're thinking it might be a blocked gland.  Of course with my knee injury at the moment it's the farthest thing from my mind at this point!!!!!!!!!!

How my knee happened is kinda funny/sad all at the same time.  Dave was working the arena and I was sitting on the mounting block.  He went to back up the tractor and I saw the dog digging in the arena for cat poop so I didn't want her to be run over so I wasn't even paying attention to where Dave was with the tractor.  Well he was WAY to close to me and smashed me with the tire on my left knee.  Well my ACL is possibley torn.  It hurts like an SOB. 

Oh but the day this happened we had a guy interviewing for the rider position from outta town.  So he got to see his new boss running over a current employee.  I'm very upset about it all, but I don't let Dave know because he's already uset about the whole situation.  And yes he did yell at me about being where I "shouldn't have been", but if he didn't hit me then he would've mowed down the wheel barrow and he would've yelled at me about that anyway.  So what the hell is the difference???

I'm very depressed right now.  I can't work really.  The last couple of nights I've been hobbling around the barn attempting to do my job.  I just feel worthless right now.  I can't explain it - I'm just feeling soooo worthless and useless.  I'm kind of thinking about maybe it's really time to leave.  I can't do my job.  I can't help him.  And if I have surgery that just means MORE time off and not able to help.

Connie did mention today that someone from down the road was wanting work. I know that she didn't mean it to me personally, but it just felt like people are sick of me not being able to work.  Or maybe I'm just upset that I can't work?

What am I gonna do????  I'm soooo lost. 

We did hire the rider guy tho.  So if I did leave then he'd have help in a few weeks.

I'm just tired of the attitude.  His failure to look behind him got me injuried and now he's just acting pissed off and angry all the time because I'm not helping.  I feel so bad that I didn't move, but at the same time I can't see how I can accept all the blame. 

The rider guy was the 3rd thing. 

Okay well I've now got myself so upset and worked up again that I'm gonna go. 


Hmmmmm...... LIFE!!!

Okay so it's been a few months since I've wrote. HAHAHA!

Let's see about a week before Thanksgiving and I'm not looking forward to the holidays.

Don't get me wrong, I love Christmas, but right now I'm just sooo buh-hum-ba I dunno if it'll turn around.

We did decorate a tree for the Ezra house in Haskell last weekend and this weekend is the chili dinner and tree/wreath raffle tho. The wreath we did KICKED ass!! Ofcourse it was sooo horsey. I'll have to get photos this weekend if I Can remember.

Okay so since I last wrote my sister had her baby. His name is Timothy Isaiah. He's SUPER DUPER cute and look JUST like Peyton did at his age. He's about 2 months now. He was born (I believe) September 18th.

Tim will be spending the weekend here while my sister gets MORE teeth removed.

And yes, Tim as named for the OTHER Tim I blog about on here. I tend to call him Timmy more than anything.

Peyton is doing well. He's getting totally into Christmas. He'll walk around saying "Hoho daddy hoho". The MOST I can make of that is he wants the Christmas tree plugged in. YES Brian's tree is already up. Peyton wouldn't let it be until it was. SOOOO friggin funny. And I'll bet it'll be a HUGE fight when it's time to take it down.

Ugh I'm sooooo tired. This whole time change thing has me all messed up!!! I can't really believe it.

So anyway I'm gonna end this for the moment. I'll try to update later. *HUGS*

Has it REALLY been 14 years??!!??!!

I can't believe that I've made it 14 years today!!  That's a HUGE accomplishment considering about half this time I'd rather be dead than alive.

I still miss him like crazy tho.  I think of him daily if not multiple times a day.  It's sooo weird how a loss like that impact's ones life forever. 

But I will say this - I think I *might* be ready to dig a hole and put his box of stuff in it.  It only seems fitting to burry it.  Kinda like burring the past or something.  Maybe if I burry it then I'll be able to "start over" again??  My worst fear is that I'm gonna forget him.

Everyone keeps telling me I'll never forget him.  I'll never forget the things we've done together and what I experienced with him.  But that stuff is HOW I remember sometimes.  I think my worst fear is once it's gone it's gone.  Kinda like him.  And I never thought I would've been without him.

If he were still here I can't even imagine what like would be like for me.  Like would I have ever gotten involved with the horses like I have?  Would I have ever met Brian, Dave or even had Peyton??  Or would we have just grown apart and went our seperate ways like the rest of our crew has done??  In the end would I have been without him anyway??

I know those are questions that will never be answered, but I still think of it.  I often wonder if he's around sometimes.  I do feel him from time to time.  And sometimes I can smell his cologne - I swear I can!!! 

I have made it through this day tho - that counts for something to me.  And I didn't ever have one of those crying fits I tend to have on this day.  In fact I haven't been to the grave in almost a year!!  Can you believe that?!?!!  That's CRAZY to me.  There were months that I couldn't keep away from that place. 

I'm in the middle of cleaning up my room and packing up my stuff as it seems Jess is going to move into it and I'm gonna make her bedroom my closet (like it was before she came) and I'm gonna go sleep in the other house with Dave and Connie.   But anyway - I found a razor blade tonight.  One that I have used countless times to cut myself and can you believe that I threw the sucker away??!!  I didn't even thing twice.  After I left the house to go do chores it dawned on me what I had done.  That's a HUGE step for someone who is/was a cutter!   

Life is changing sooooo much those.  It's unreal sometimes how much my life change yet it stays the same too. 

Mary's moved to Oklahoma!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  That's thrilling for me to have my BESTEST of the BESTEST here with me.  LOL.  I haven't seen her yet tho.  Although she says she'll be coming out here tomorrow afternoon - I'm so excited and thrilled.  I can't wait to see her and her preggers belly! 

Oklahoma is unseasonably cool right now.  It's the end of August and we've already had to start discussing sheets and have closed up all the barns twice already!  I hate sheet/blanket season.  I think it SUCKS.  I hate the hot weather too tho.  So really the fall time where it's like 70's in the day and 60's at night is perfect for me.  I hate being cold too.  LOLOL. 

This summer hasn't been as easy on me as the past ones have.  My heart is starting to threaten to give up the goat.  It just seems like we can't get anywhere with it. 

We've been switching my migraine meds up too.  And that's not easy on me AT ALL!! I hate those periods where my migraines are trying to come back between meds. 

I've always said that I won't live to see my 50th bday.  I just seems to be falling apart at the seams and I'm only 27.  UGH!!  I'm about 6 months away from my 28th bday tho. 

I'm soooo doom and gloom right now.  LOLOL.  I just wish I could be my former, happy go lucky self.  I was the person who could see a ray of sunshine in any situation.  What the hell has happened to me?  Oh yeah - death death and more death. 

Okay well I guess I'm done with this.  I think I've downed everyone long enough.  HUGS! 




Okay so only in Oklahoma can you have a HAIL STORM and then have the temps start dropping to expect a snow storm to have the temps to come back to be in the 60's by Sunday!!

This afternoon around 3 it starts hailing like a SOB!!!  Well Annie, Jesse's dog is running around EATTING it!  I mean like it's DOG FOOD!  And she's having the TIME of her life!!  I'm freaking out calling her and she's ignoring me like I'm calling her away from her food.  It was HILARIOUS.  And I'm talking about marble sized hail too!  And the funnier part is she's yulping while it's hitting her but she's still eatting it.  FINALLY she did come in out of it, but everytime one came in to the barn she ate it.  It was great fun to her.  And when it stopped she ran right out and ate all that she could.

Well now the temps are going to start falling and tomorrow night we're expecting snow.  They're saying 1 to 3 inches RIGHT now, but the snow line could move over and we could be in the 3 to 6 inch area VERY easily.   But hey it won't last long.  Sunday we'll be up to 63 I believe.  So this is just mother nature reminding us who's ACTUALLY in control! 

Well I just thought I'd share about our *wonderful* weather.  For whatever reason I'm frickin tired tonight.  I don't understand it!


A mare FINALLY foaled, BUT......

Okay well a mare FINALLY foaled, but it wasn't one that I was waiting on....

Princess foaled a gorgeous chestnut (maybe red dun?) colt.  His name is Jim.  Apparently True's first baby was named Justin?!?!  So now we have Jim.  So I was just playing around and I was like "well According to Jim...."....So now they're going to try to make that his registered name.  Kind of like Charlie's registered name is Playing with Chicks.  LOLOL. 

He got his because his he always acted like a playboy.  And they wanted to keep him a stud.  LOLOL.  I was just screwing around when I was blurted out "you know he should just be registered "Playing with Chicks" they wanna bred him and he thinks he's a playboy anyway".

I've got a great one for my Dream's baby that'll work for either a boy or girl.  I'm not posting it here tho.  LOLOL.  Ugh I'm SOOOO torn if I should breed Dream to Morris or just keep her open and fit and show her.  UGH UGH UGH

Only 4 weeks until the Dreams are due.  Less than 3 weeks until Ghawn Zippins Due.  Oh and we're over on True and Tramp!!!

They're saying winters returning this weekend.  For joy.  For Joy!  What the hell is going on?!?!

Dave's going to a horse show this weekend too.  So they'll foal for sure.  UGH!

Okay I'm gonna run now.  I need to get some shit done. We've collected EVERY DAY since Sunday.  Today is NO different.  And tomorrow too!  OMG I don't think we collected 4 days in a row last year!


Okay - I know I'm probably getting jumpy now that Dave and Connie are out of town for the day/night, but I swear these mares are just driving me NUTS!!!

True was due on the 19th and Tramp was due on the 20th and both look like they *might* foal, but so far NOTHING!!

We do have the foal alert system up and running (and sewn into the mares), but last year it failed me with Platium SOOOOO I don't trust it 100%.  And the last few false alarms I haven't received the call even tho everyone else did. 

Last night Tramp kept me up most of the night up against the wall.  My house is like 10 feet from the breeding/foaling barn and her stall is RIGHT outside my bedroom wall so I hear ALL that goes on in those 2 stalls. 

I'm just jumpy since I've been looking forward to Tramps baby since before we bred her.  She's in foal to Reinvest In Gold.  That should be a DYNOMITE baby!!!!  If it ever comes! 

Okay I just had to whine for a second about it....... UGH I just want sleep!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Don't worry I'll post when they foal (if they foal) and photos of the babies when they come!!  We have 4 more due after them - Princess is next and due the 26th.

Then it's Ghawn Zippin on the 18th of April and then Dream #1 and Dream #2 on the 28th (together - which I know I've posted about that here). 


So tomorrow is my 27th bday....... *SIGH*

I know - I should be SOOOOO excited for it to be my birthday and all, but I'm not.  Infact I'm dreading turning 27.

That'll make me in my LATE 20's with no steady relationship, a job that's rocky sometimes (which who's isn't right now?) and not really living on my own (although I've been out of the same house with my mom for 18+ months!). 

Maybe I'm just BLAH because I'm sick??  OMG my eye looks like it has pink eye, but I know it can't be because I'm not rubbing the shit out of it.  But it's all swollen and red and looks nasty.  That started yesterday morning with just a little swelling.  By lunch it was starting to ooz puss.  By the night it was just running green shit out of it. 

I spent last night on Dave's loveseat (which he and Connie were out to dinner mind you) watching the Syracuse/Loisville game.  I fell a sleep before half time (which Syracuse was up by 8 or 10 I think). And I guess they came home shortly after I fell asleep.  Dave said he thought I was playing possum, but I wasn't.  I was truely asleep!!! 

Anywho - I woke up at 2:30 or 3 this morning and my eye was matted shut and my other eye was well on its way to being that way.  SOOOOO not good at all - I did barn work that way (watered the barns/hayed the show barn - I felt bad that I didn't grain the other horses, but I was hurting too damn bad and I really just wanted to get to sleep). 

I took zyrtec last night and that helped my eye so I'm wondering if I have a horrible sinus infection and I have a blocked duct somewhere and hence the mucus can't drain and it coming out through my tear duct????  It's happened to me a LONG time ago when I was 8 or 9.  We had to flush my sinus cavitity out (which was NO fun!!).  I can't remember exactly how my eye felt then, but I can say this IT HURTS TO CRY!!!!

Oh and my throat is sore.  I dunno why.  And I have a large lump on the side of my neck.  Not sure why either.  I'm just generally falling apart right now.

Have I talked much about my shoulder???  OMG the SOB is KILLING me these days!!  I need to get in to see my ortho, but you know after the gallbladder surgery in January I haven't been too keen on going to the doctor AT ALL.  The hospital bill is KILLING me.  14k+ WTF.  The surgeon was even that much!  GEEZ!!

Dave and I haven't been fighting MUCH.  We still have our moments though.  LOL.

I went out with Jess and Connie today.  Connie was looking for a dress and shoes for Whitney's wedding.  She said she'd give Whitney 1k if she didn't have to go.  Connie doesn't travel well I guess.  Anyway - after an afternoon of shopping she got Dave a new blue shirt and COOL tie, Cat Food, and Rabbit Hay/Food.  Oh yes - not ONE single item for HER for the wedding, but Dave's good to go!

That cracks me up.  I hate shopping for myself too.  But if you turn me loose to dress someone else then I can do it ALL day long, but I guess it's because I personally feel I'm a fat beached whale and I HATE everything I try on................

Okay - well I'm gonna run - my eye is starting to sting from focusing on the computer screen.  So let's all join in with me for the Happy Birthday song.  "Happy Birthday to me - Happy Birthday to me"..... AHHH fuck it.  BLAH!  This is worse than being grumpy at Christmas Time!!!!



Stock Market......


If the market keeps going the way it is then I'm gonna be broke in NO time.  Why the hell didn't I pull my stocks MONTHS ago when it was the decline - now I can't afford to pull them - I guess I'm gonna have to ride this out.

HOWEVER - I will say this - I'm tempted to buy a few more stocks at these "record" low prices for some of them.  Yes I probably already own stock in some of these companies - I'd be willing to own more at these prices so when the market does decide to bounce back to 11k then I'd be sitting pretty sweet. 

I just can't believe how low it is.  It scares me, but at the same time I know there is NOTHING I can do about it.  Which really pisses me off!!!!!

Right now is a good time to buy, but I said that at 8k and 7k.  It's like gambling on the track.  It's a crap shoot and you really don't know which way it's gonna end.  At least when you're gambling on horses you have a chance at making your money back quickly. 

So there's my rant for the time being.  I better get back to work or Dave might just have a heart attack - I've been bitching about the market all day.  LOL.